Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 16

I quoted Lorelei Gilmore on Facebook not long ago:

“I’m fine. I mean, not that I’m over it, but little by little it’s getting easier to pretend it’s easier, which means easier must be right around the corner.”

The words are just exactly how I’m feeling… I pretend a lot… that Kate’s not in my mind, that I’m not still aching, that there isn’t a huge hole in me. I smile, I go about my daily life, and I even laugh and enjoy my friends and family, but it’s still there… that empty place in my heart that was my sister’s place.

PJ and I went to get our nails done today. She’s really the only one I can answer truthfully when asked, “How are you doing?” We can talk about the sadness and how it’s sometimes so overwhelming, we can’t even breathe. How the reality of Kate being gone is almost too much to bear, let alone discuss. How it sometimes feels wrong to be happy, even though we both know that Kate would be the first person to tell us to, “snap out of it!”

I’ve had plenty of moments of happy since December 19. So has PJ. It’s not that we aren’t appreciating our lives and how good things are for us. We do appreciate our families and our kids and our husbands and each other and just how great our lives are. But something’s missing now. Someone’s missing… and my dear friend, Marta, who lost her brother many years ago, reminds me that the healing takes time. We will stop aching, but that hole will always be there. How could it not be?

Five Things I’m Grateful for Today:

1. Liz will be here tomorrow! YAY!
2. Husband helped me clean today–thank you!
3. Son is doing well in Rome.
4. The sun finally came out today.
5. A new friendship is developing with another writer I just met online–she is a kindred spirit.